IGAS NEWSLETTERS
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IGAS 2024 Newsletter #1
IGAS 2024 is planned for May 5-May 10, 2024.
We will return to Talamore Villas for our lodging. We will plan to play Mid South on Wednesday, May 8 and Talamore on Thursday, May 9. I will be asking our organizer to offer us some alternatives for Monday and Tuesday. We will have the Cabana all week.
I have paid deposits for 7 villas. If you plan to attend, please submit $150 deposit to me as soon as possible.
Please let me know any suggestions for courses or the trip in general, also as soon as possible.
Some Supplied Humor
Subject: Golf Humor
A man got on the number 24 Bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful woman. The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said. “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. “Does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow?”
Please keep your humor contributions coming.
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IGAS 2024 Newsletter #2
Big Changes to IGAS
Based on suggested input received and price considerations IGAS is changing. Please see the plans page for all details. Briefly we are:
Reducing the scheduled trip by one day.
Reducing the IGAS Tournament to all MEDAL play:
Day 1, Reduced to 18 holes at premier course.
Day 2, 36 holes where the second 18 would be the flight winners playing for the championship. Everyone else would be in the 2-man scramble;
Day 3 would be Wally’s World Cup as it is today.
This cuts out normal trip stay by one day, our golf by one day and one prepaid replay.
These changes have a positive impact on cost – and on wear and tear of some old bodies!
I should be able to extend Villa rentals for any foursomes wanting additional stay and play. I will need to know this as soon as possible.
Any extra golf would be arranged by those extending their stay.
Please see the Plans page for details and cost. If you plan to attend please send your $150 deposit to me as soon as possible (Venmo or check to me at 4600 Profile Ln, Hilliard, OH, 43026).
I hope to see you in May!
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IGAS 2024 Newsletter #3
IGAS 2024 is set. The trip was reduced by a day and a half. That reduction allowed us to save a few bucks – and add Tobacco Road as our Monday, IGAS Round 1 venue. For those that have not played Tobacco Road – you are in for a treat….
Lots of people have indicated they will return for IGAS 2024. If you will be returning, please get your deposits to me as soon as possible. $150 to Dick Walton, Venmo or check to me at 4600 Profile Lane, Hilliard, OH 43026.
If you do not plan to attend (and haven’t already told me) please send me a message/email indication that you won’t be attending. I need to get a final count as soon as possible.
Finally, if you need to extend the Villa for nights prior to or after the scheduled trip I need to know ASAP. The Villas fill quickly so if you need the Saturday night prior of days after PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR DETAILS AS SOON AS YOU CAN. Remember, I can extend the Villas, your foursome needs to schedule any extra golf you plan.
Some supplied humor:
Nosey Passenger
A man got on the number 24 Bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful woman.
The woman kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said. “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. “Does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow?”
Prayer for the senior golfer
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…however;
My hair is thin, hearing and eyes weak,
All my joints continue to creak,
And my golf swing could use a tweak,
Lord, your patience I do seek.Keep those submissions coming…..
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IGAS 2024 Newsletter #4
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IGAS 2024 Newsletter #5
IGAS NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES
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IGAS 2023 Newsletter #1
We are set for IGAS 2023. I have confirmed and made deposits for 28. I don’t have final pricing yet. I did tell our organizer that we enjoyed the courses that we played in 2022 but are open to suggestions. As I get more firm information I will send another newsletter. I am working to keep our price in line.
We are not having a Fall Round Up this year. I was late making arrangements and we had a lot of conflicts. We will have a Spring Round Up. Date, Location and Cost will be supplied as we get closer.
I will need deposits of at least $150 as soon as you can get them to me. You can send a check to me at 4600 Profile Ln, Hilliard; use Paypal or Venmo.
Some supplied humor:
A Beautiful Golf Story
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, ‘What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.’ He thought, ‘There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy and going on with his life.’
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?
He said, “I’m NOT happy………My balls itch!”
Heart-warming stories like this, just brings a tear to my eye…
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IGAS 2023 – Newsletter #2
Prices are in! We evaluated a few options since prices went up again but have stayed with Talamore. Talamore’s price also went up by about 18%. Total cost is $1,430 (compared to $1,200 last year). We arrive May 7, play golf 36 holes Monday thru Thursday, depart Friday, May 12.All lodging, breakfasts, all golf and prize fund are included.For those wanting to arrive Saturday the cost is $397 for the villa ($99.25 per person).We have all tee times except Quail Ridge (waiting on them to open their tee sheet for 2023). Following is our schedule:Monday, May 8, Legacy: Morning 8:30, Afternoon 2:30. IGAS Rounds 1&2Tuesday, May 9, Quail Ridge: Morning 8:30, Afternoon 2:30. IGAS Rounds 3&4Wednesday, May 10, Mid South: Morning 8:35, Afternoon 2:35. IGAS Rounds 5 and championship round with 2 man scramble for all non flight winners.Thursday, May 11, Talamore: Morning 8:27, Afternoon 2:21. Wally’s World Cup.We have the Cabana for the week beginning Sunday night. There is still a Pig Pickins on Thursday for those interested. Our awards presentation will be in the Cabana starting at 9:00pm.Please get your deposits to me asap. I already have several. The first 28 go. Venmo, Paypal or check to me at 4600 Profile Ln, Hilliard, OH, 43026.Some Supplied Humor:A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved. I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two,” said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache.”
Male Frequency of Sex:
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams revealed that:
North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Keep those submissions coming……
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IGAS 2023 – Newsletter #3
Happy Thanksgiving! Now it’s Black Friday. So, after all the shopping is done, please let me know you are attending IGAS 2023 and forward you deposit to me (Venmo, Paypal or check to my address (4600 Profile Ln, Hilliard, OH 43026}. As we near the end of the year I need to get final counts for Talamore. Also, I need to know if any of you need your villa for the extra night. The Villas book quickly. Last year I had to turn down two requests for the extra night since all Villas were already booked for that night.
I have booked and made deposits for 28. These are going fast so please get your deposit to me asap. See the Plans page for details. More info will be added as we get closer.
Another point, this may be the last IGAS that I organize (maybe someone else will pick up the reins). Let’s make this a great trip.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
SINCE OUR TRIP HAS A SOUTHERN CONTINGENT, SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW…
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is.
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good stiff drink.
Golf you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf if you find you do not mind playing in the rain, snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip.. your life is in trouble!
Golf – ers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A ‘ gimme ‘ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.
Golf’s an interesting thing.. No matter how badly you play, it’s always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better than Sex…
#10 … A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09 … You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08 … It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07 … Foursomes are encouraged.
#06 … You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05 … Three times a day is possible.
#04 … Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03 … If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02 … You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…
#01 … When your equipment gets old you can replace it!Keep that submissions coming.
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IGAS 2023 – Newsletter #4
Happy New Year from cold/ice/snow/windy Hilliard Ohio. The good news is we are within 4 months of IGAS 2023! And I’m READY!!!!
We are set at 28 players. Our group now includes players from Ohio, Kentucky, Texas, Colorado, Maryland, North Carolina, Nevada, Arizona and Florida!
More info about the courses and tournaments, prize amounts, etc are, or will be, in the IGAS 2022 Plans page. Keep checking there for any updates.
I need your final payment by March 25, allowing me time to make our final payment to Talamore by the due date. Our normal 5 night stay, arriving Sunday, May 7 and departing Friday, May 12 total is $1,430. If you are arriving 1 day early, May 6, your total is $1,529.25. If you need to know your balance, email, text or call me.
VILLA ASSIGNMENTS
Following are Villa assignments. Please let me know asap if there are issues.
Building 1, 1111
Building 2, 1113
Building 1, 2221
Dick Walton
John Coffman
Michael Colvin
Andy Walton
Mike Moore
Dave Parish
Randy Walton
Mike Motika
Brian Kaylor
Dan Caldwell
Nauman Saeed
Bob Koenig
Building 1, 1123
Building 12, 1225
Building 12, 1211
Brian Hoover
Paul Gilman
Rick Hoffman
Mike Hoover
Steve Legster
Matt Hoffman
Bill White
Dave Kindinger
Jeff Hoover
Matt White
Larry Reinhart
Wally Hysel
Building 4, 1423
Matt Bierman
Randy Eilders
Craug Fulmer
Brian McVeigh
Red font indicates arriving Saturday, May 6.
If you want to arrive on the 6th, let me know asap and I will try and get your Villa extended. Cost of the extra night is $397 ($99.25 per person). It has to be a full villa extension.
Any questions or concerns (Rooming, riding together, etc), let me know.
SPRING WARM-UP: We plan to have a Spring Warm Up round. Watch your emails for info.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
ITALIAN GOLFER FROM NEW JERSEY
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, “What’s with those jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!’ The Indian doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’ The Chinese businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’ The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!’ said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’ The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’ The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’ The Indian doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’ The Chinese businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’ The Italian from New Jersey said, ‘Why the fuck can’t they play at night?
Oldie but still funny…..
A Scottish Golf Story….
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained, ‘and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?” ‘Yes, I do,’ said Shawn.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’ ‘Well, um, yes!,’ Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’ Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’ ‘She just died and left me everything.’
Keep the jokes coming…..
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IGAS 2023 – Newsletter #5
PLAY IT FORWARD:
We will again be offering ‘Play it Forward’ for those that choose. Those players 65 or over and/or a handicap 19 or over can choose to play the next tee forward. WHEN YOU CHOOSE YOUR TEE, IT IS FOR THE WEEK.
Following are two charts. One showing the courses we play with slope, rating and yardage (you can go to the course’s website to see the scorecard). White tees (W) are the regular tees for all courses, Yellow (Y) Gold (G) or Green (G) are forward tees.
The system uses the World Golf Handicap System as its base. We do have a few local changes: Our Max Handicap is 40 versus 45. Also, somewhat less total rounds and their best of to determine handicap.
Please review the info and let me know as soon as possible if you want Regular or Forward tees.
Course Handicaps for Tee Selection
PLEASE SEND ME YOUR TEE SELECTION ASAP
SPRING WARM UP
We will have a Spring Warm-up. Date, Location, Time and Cost will be forwarded as soon as we finalize arrangements.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone but agreed to play with them. They were even after the first two holes The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I’ll marry them.”
BAD GOLFERS MATTER!!
I am a member of golf’s lower 99%.
I am an indifferent golfer, and there’s no way I could ever make it to the professional level. I will never put in the practice time to be the best.
I will never have the shots, skills, or mental toughness to “make it” in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.
However, I am a part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1% of golfers for what I do. It isn’t fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and dedicated should make all that BIG money.
Where’s my share? I’m a Victim! The top 1% should pay for my club memberships, green fees, lessons and buy me new clubs, balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings. They can afford it. They are ” The Wealthy.” The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me
I think we should get together and occupy a golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who generally stink.
I think we should get some paint and cover the parking lots with “BAD GOLFERS MATTER“.
Whining should get us something – maybe garnish some public sympathy.
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!
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IGAS 2023 is in the books and Brian Kaylor is our Champion. Please see the results page for various information.
Also see the 2024 Plans page for future plans and request for input. Please complete the form and click the ‘Send’ button.
Thanks to all that attended and a great trip!
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Content here
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IGAS 2022 Newsletter #1
IGAS 2022 is set! Please see the Plans page for details.
Prices have gone up. They have gone up everywhere. We checked with 3 organizers and Talamore still has the best deal.
We will be staying at Talamore playing Legacy, Quail Ridge, Talamore and Mid South.
I have made and paid for 28 reservations. Please get your deposits to me as soon as possible. The first 28 are in.
Some Supplied Humor
The Accident
While driving home in my golf cart, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.
“We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging.
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”Keep those submissions coming!
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IGAS 2022 – Newsletter #2
IGAS 2022 Newsletter #2
IGAS 2022
IGAS 2022 is set! Please see the Plans page for details.
Prices have gone up. They have gone up everywhere. Even with the increase we have 27 paid deposits. WE NEED ONE!! Please let me know asap if you want to go. For those already signed up, if you have a buddy that wants to attend, let me know. THE FIRST ONE TO CONTACT AND PAY ME GOES!
As mentioned before, we will be staying at Talamore and playing Legacy, Quail Ridge, Talamore and Mid South. See the Plans page for details.
I need to know any groups that want to arrive on Saturday (4/30). Cost for the extra night per person is $
Final payment needs to be to me by March 31. For those that made the minimum $150 deposit, your balance is $1,050 ($1,200-150=$1,050).
SPRING WARM-UP
We are scheduled for Sunday, April 17 at Urbana Country Club for our Spring Warm-up. Urbana’s back nine was closed for quite a while last year for renovations. Work on bunkers, greens etc should prove to be challenging. As mentioned before, prices have gone up everywhere. Our cost at Urbana will be $65 for golf, carts, range and lunch. $10 for the prize fund. $75 total.
Some Supplied Humor
Golf Story
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. the only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”
And he did play well. Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and was in range to two-putt for his par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match, and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”
Replied the octogenarian, “I do. Would you please give me a hand?”
Golf Truisms
1. The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
2. Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
3. Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
4. It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
5. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
6. The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
7. Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
8. The rake is always in the other trap.
9. The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
10.Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
11. The rough will be mowed tomorrow.
12. The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.
13. It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
14. The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
15. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
16. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
17. Out of bounds is always on the right, for right-handed golfers.
18. The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.
19. No one with funny head covers ever broke par (except for Tiger Woods).
20. The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.
21. Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
22. No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.
23. If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.
24. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
25. The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.
Keep those submissions coming! -
IGAS 2022 – Newsletter #3
Happy New Year from cold/ice/snow/windy Hilliard Ohio. The good news is we are within 3 months of IGAS 2022! And I’m READY!!!!
We are set at 28 players. We had another cancellation – but an immediate replacement. Our group now includes players from Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Texas, Colorado, Maryland and California!
More info about the courses and tournaments, prize amounts, etc are, or will be, in the IGAS 2022 Plans page. Keep checking there for any updates.
I need your final payment by March 25, allowing me time to make our final payment to Talamore by the due date. If you need to know your balance, email, text or call me.
CONDO ASSIGNMENTS
Condo #1, Unit 1111: Dick Walton, Andy Walton, Randy Walton, John Coffman
Condo #2, Unit 1211: Nauman Saeed, Mike Motika, Mike Moore, Van Stewart
Condo #3, Unit 2221: Michael Colvin, Anthony Colvin, Brian Kaylor, Bob Koenig
Condo #4, Unit 1211: Rick Hoffman, Matt Hoffman, Glenn Nantz, Rocky Adams
Condo #5, Unit 2223: Brian Hoover, Mike Hoover, Ryan Pucket, Bill White
Condo #6, Unit 1113: Jeff Hoover, Paul Gilman, Dave Kindinger, Bob Eyen
Condo #7, Unit 1423: Craig Fulmer, Randy Eilders, Matt Bierman, Jeff Good
Any questions or concerns (riding together, etc), let me know.
IGAS SPRING WARM-UP
Our Spring Warm-Up is set for Sunday, April 24 at Urbana Country Club. This is a little later than our normal warm-up date – but hey, maybe it won’t snow!
Urbana is where it all began for Pete Dye. Go to the club’s website for the story. Our story is the back nine (the original 9) has been renovated. The pro, BIll Unger, always sets us up for a good time. Hopefully we will have a good turn-out.
Cost is $65 for golf, carts, range, and lunch. $10 for the prize fund.
Please let me know asap if you plan to play. We have a set number of tee times. Bring friends, etc.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
Absolute Laws of Golf
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
LAW 9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 13:
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
LAW 14:
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. (THIS is how the one-handed putting started!)
LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 17:
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
LAW 20:
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
LAW 21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: (i) how many hands you have, and (ii) which one is wearing the glove.
LAW 23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
LAW 24:
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.Golf:
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!
A recent study found that the average golfer
Walks about 900 miles a year.Another study found that golfers drink, on
Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Sensitivity!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial – strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN’T BE TAUGHT.
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!
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IGAS 2022 – Newsletter #4
VILLA ASSIGNMENTS
Following are Villa assignments. Please let me know asap if there are issues.
Building 1, 1111
Building 2, 1211
Building 1, 1113
Dick Walton
Rick Hoffman
Michael Colvin
Andy Walton
Matt Hoffman
Anthony Colvin
Randy Walton
Glenn Nantz
Brian Kaylor
John Coffman
Rocky Adams
Bob Koenig
Building 1, 1125
Building 12, 2221
Building 12, 2223
Brian Hoover
Jeff Hoover
Mike Moore
Mike Hoover
Bob Eyen
Mike Motika
Ryan Puckett
Dave Kindinger
Nauman Saeed
Bill White
Paul Gilman
Van Stewart
Building 4, 1423
Matt Bierman
Randy Eilders
Craug Fulmer
Jeff Good
PLAY IT FORWARD:
We will again be offering ‘Play it Forward’ for those that choose. Those players 65 or over and/or a handicap 19 or over can choose to play the next tee forward. WHEN YOU CHOOSE YOUR TEE, IT IS FOR THE WEEK.
Following are two charts. One showing the courses we play with slope, rating and yardage (you can go to the course’s website to see the scorecard). White tees (W) are the regular tees for all courses, Yellow (Y) Gold (G) or Green (G) are forward tees.
The system uses the World Golf Handicap System as its base. We do have a few local changes: Our Max Handicap is 40 versus 45. Also, somewhat less total rounds and their best of to determine handicap.
Please review the info and let me know as soon as possible if you want Regular or Forward tees.
IGAS 2022 Handicaps for Tee Selection (Click image for larger PDF version)
FINAL PAYMENT
If you haven’t already sent it, I need your final payment no later than March 25.
If you aren’t sure what your balance is, email or text me and I will let you know.
SPRING WARM-UP
Reminder that our Spring Warm-up will be held April 24, 9:00am Shotgun Start at Urbana Country Club.
Details will be sent in a seperate email.
Please let me know ASAP if you plan to play. Bring friends, a foursome, etc. Just let me know.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
Southern Sayings/Disctionary
You may want to bring these to help understand some of the things our Kentucky and Tennessee friends say…..
Subject: Southern Sayings
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
- A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
- There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
- There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
- If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
- Onced and Twiced are words.
- It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
- Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
- People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
- Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
- There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
- Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
- Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
- The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
- You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
- You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
- Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
- You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
- You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
- The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
- Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
- You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
- You know what a hissy fit is.
- Fried catfish is the other white meat.
- We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
SENSITIVITY
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial – strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN’T BE TAUGHT.
Keep those submissions coming.
-
IGAS 2022 – Newsletter #5
IGAS 2022 is in the books and the site has been updated.
Big thanks to Andy Walton, Randy Walton and Mike Motika for working to create a much better method for entering daily scores.
Also a big thanks to Randy Walton and Matt Hoffman for helping prepare our presentation (money) awards.
We had a great week. See the Results page for details. Also note we are planning IGAS 2023.
I will be sending individual scores to everyone for those that post their scores.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Golf Truisms
In golf, it is understood as a player and future retired player, in good standing, that these truths are self-evident and provide the sanctity for the lore and love of the game.
Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church?
It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
The rake is always in the other trap.
If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway, if you don’t care which fairway.
If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
The greatest sound in golf is the, “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.
A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
The best wood for lowering your score is a pencil.
You may need lessons if you had to regrip your ball retriever.
It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt.
With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4 foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse
Keep those submissions coming!
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IGAS 2021 Newsletter #1
We are set. More details will be added as prices and courses are finalized. Current conditions in Pinehurst are similar to Ohio. Bars and Restaurants are open with limited seating. Golf is normal. Following is what’s known:
Price: Not solid yet but I will attempt to keep close to what past years (about $1,000). I will communicate as soon as we finalize the courses, etc.
I have made reservations for 28 (7 condos). I already have money from 16 players (held over from 2020). If you plan to attend I suggest you get your deposit ($150 or more) as soon as possible. You can send to me, Dick Walton, at 4600 Profile Lane, Hilliard, OH 43026. NOTE THE NEW ADDRESS! You can also send money via Paypal to: igas@columbus.rr.com.
Dates:
- May 2, travel day, any golf will be on your own, not included in the price.
- May 3-4, IGAS tournament – 36 per day, morning medal, afternoon match.
- May 5 – IGAS tournament – morning medal, afternoon ‘Elite Eight’ match (everyone else will be in a 2-man scramble) and then a 4 player shoot-out.
- May 6 – Wally’s World Cup. Morning Red Ball, Afternoon Scramble.
- May 7 – Travel day.
Some supplied humor:
Pandemic Golf
March Madness is canceled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Marge’s senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap county commission is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and it’s cart path only. My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.
Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling “check please.” My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.
Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie O’Donnell’s bathtub. And no one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting a contagious disease were simple: don’t eat in restaurants with a cat on the menu and don’t date my college roommate’s sister.
I don’t consider myself to be in the high-risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3-foot putt. I can handle it.
So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.
Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus-free. Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesn’t have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phones. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.
The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reed’s fan club can still meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf.
Rules of Play:
- • Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.
- • Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like stagecoach robbers than a foursome.
- • Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.
- • Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.
- • Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.
- • No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.
- • No petting the geese or the cart girl.
- • Don’t use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of Wuhan China.
- • No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.
- • Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.
- • Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the car.
These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18th green, no beers at the bar, and we drove home separately.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into our inevitable future where all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and all human interaction is through our cell phone. Where schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive-thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
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IGAS 2021 – Newsletter #2
We are set for IGAS 2021.
The Plans page has been updated. I have reservations for 28 with 16 confirmed spots taken. If you plan to attend, get your deposit of at least $150 to me at: Dick Walton, 4600 Profile Ln, Hilliard, OH 43026 – or Paypal to igas@columbus.rr.com.
Some provided humor:
World’s Most Honest Man:
Golf Wisdom:
* Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
* The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
* It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
* Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church?
* It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
* A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
* The rake is always in the other trap.
* If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
* If your opponents have trouble remembering whether they shot a six or a seven, they probably shot an eight (or higher).
* Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
* It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway – if you don’t care which fairway.
* If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
* The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponents’ club as they hurl it across the fairway.
* A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
* The best wood for lowering your score is a pencil.
* You may need lessons if you had to regrip your ball retriever.
* It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt.
* With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
* The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4 foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
* Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
* Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
* No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse!
Keep those submissions coming!
-
IGAS 2021 – Newsletter #3
We have upped our group to 32! Craig Fulmer who came a couple years ago is returning with a foursome from Colorado! Welcome to Craig and Randy Eilders, Louie Kahale and Matt Bortles.
We also have new attendees in Dave Kindinger, Blain Waldron and Paul Gilman with Jeff Hoover; Todd Johnson with Rick Hoffman’s group; and Rocky Adams with Glenn Nantz.
Following are Villa assignments. Please let me know asap if there are issues.
Building 1, 1113
Building 2, 1211
Building 1, 1125
Dick Walton
Paul Gilman
Glenn Nantz
Andy Walton
Dave Kindinger
Rocky Adams
Randy Walton
Blain Waldron
Mike Moore
John Coffman
Jeff Hoover
Bob Eyen
Building 12, 2221
Building 12, 2223
Building 12, 2225
Rick Hoffman
Michael Colvin
Nauman Saeed
Matt Hoffman
Ryan Burgoon
Scott Roese
Daniel Walker
Brain Kaylor
John Leutz
Todd Johnson
Bob Koenig
Van Stewart
Building 12, 2231
Building 12, 2233
Brian Hoover
Craig Fulmer
Mike Hoover
Randy Eilders
Ryan Puckett
Matt Bortles
Bill White
Louie Kahale
PLAY IT FORWARD:
We will again be offering ‘Play it Forward’ for those that choose. Those players 65 or over and/or a handicap 19 or over can choose to play the next tee forward. WHEN YOU CHOOSE YOUR TEE, IT IS FOR THE WEEK.
Following are two charts. One showing the courses we play with slope, rating and yardage (you can go to the course’s website to see the scorecard). White tees (W) are the regular tees for all courses, Yellow (Y) Gold (G) or Green (G) are forward tees.
The system uses the World Golf Handicap System as its base. We do have a few local changes: Our Max Handicap is 40 versus 45. Also, somewhat less total rounds and their best of to determine handicap.
Please review the info and let me know as soon as possible if you want Regular or Forward tees.
IGAS 2021 Handicaps for Tee Selection (Click image for larger PDF version)
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
Golf Wisdom:
* Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
* The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
* It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
* Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church?
* It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
* A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
* The rake is always in the other trap.
* If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
* If your opponents have trouble remembering whether they shot a six or a seven, they probably shot an eight (or higher).
* Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
* It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway – if you don’t care which fairway.
* If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
* The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponents’ club as they hurl it across the fairway.
* A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
* The best wood for lowering your score is a pencil.
* You may need lessons if you had to regrip your ball retriever.
* It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt.
* With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
* The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4 foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
* Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
* Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
* No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse!
Late Home From Golf:
Wife – “Where the hell have you been? You said you’d be through playing golf by noon!”
Husband – “I’m so sorry Honey…but you probably don’t want to hear the reason”.
Wife – “I want the truth, and I want it NOW!”
Husband – “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours and I drank a quick beer in the clubhouse and hopped in the car. I would have been here at 12
on the button but on the way home I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refused it – then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton – and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.She’s such a sweetie and I said yes. Before you know it – one beer turned to three or four and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.
Now I’m in her room and clothes are flying. The talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car and here I am. There. You wanted the truth. You got it!
Wife – “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you?
Keep those submissions coming.
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IGAS 2021 – Newsletter #4
Well, we are within 2 months to IGAS. I can hardly wait! Even the weather here in Columbus is beginning to change (I can even see grass in my yard where all I could see for February was snow!
Final Payment Reminder:
You need to have your final payment to me by March 30. The total cost of the trip is $910. If you are coming in on Saturday night (May 1), your cost is $967.50. Your balance owed would be Total cost less what you have paid.
Some of you had left your full payment on account from last year. If you left $920 on account, I owe you $10. I can send it via Paypal or give it to you in Pinehurst. Let me know.
Tee Preference
I need to know your tee preference (Regular or Forward. Please get back to me as soon as you can with your preference. I’m trying to populate the system.
Check In and Resort Information, IGAS Rules, Pairings, Prize amounts:
Download PDF HereSome Supplied Humor:
True Golf Buddy:
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced,
for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at
the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f____g mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night.Can’t you see I’m still in my f____g pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f___ did you bring him home without
letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?”“Because he’s thinking of getting married!”
For Immediate Implementation January 2021– USGA
New 2021 Rule Changes for golfers Age 65+
Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.
Rule 1.a.5– A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6– A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someonegelse, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7– If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9– There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.G.15– There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Rule 8.k.9– Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by Purchasing new golf equipment Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Rule 13.b.4—Any misplayed shot caused by others, due to circumstances beyond your control, or that you feel was not your fault may be replayed without penalty.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes
and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the
rules need to be provided a copy.
Golf is…above all…a game of integrity.Keep those submissions coming!
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IGAS Final Update
Following are a few final notes about our trip.
- This is a contactless check-in. I (group contact) will receive a text as the villas become available and I will text the contact(s) for that villa a note that it is available. The key will be under the mat.
- Talamore will not be serving the buffet breakfast in the Talamore Clubhouse this year. In its place breakfast will be delivered to each unit in the 6:30-7:00 time slot. Breakfast is boxed up family style and is the same for everyone: bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, biscuits, gravy, and tater tots.
- A reasonable amount of coffee (regular and decaf) is in each unit to get you through your stay. If your group is big coffee drinkers you’ll want to bring your favorite brand along with you or purchase some coffee while you’re in town. All units have a regular coffee maker (not Keurig).
Any gratuity to the delivery staff would be appreciated.
- The Monday and Thursday complimentary Pig Pickin will also begin as of 4/1 and is available 6:30-7:30 at the Talamore Pavilion.
- Please print and bring your ‘General Rules and Info’. That will give you the info for each day.
- I will distribute the code for the Cabana doors once I get the keys.
- Have safe travels we will see you in Pinehurst!
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2021 Newsletter Newsletter #6
The website has been updated with results, payouts, etc. Sorry it took a while. Just click on the 2021 results.
If you left the site up in your browser, make sure you refresh the page.
Also, we have dates for IGAS 2022 and other info. Click on 2022 Plans page for details.
If you have any pictures from the trip, please forward to me or Andy Walton (andy@waltonusa.com).
Another Mini?
There has been interest in having another mini-IGAS. If interested please email/text me, Rick Hoffman or Randy Walton. We would return to Pennisula Golf Resort in Kentucky. Hopefully we would have good weather. More info will follow. Current dates being considered: August 11-13. Please let us know asap if you would be interested.
Some Supplied Humor
A Golf Game
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.
“None that plays very well,” the Cardinal replied. “But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, ” said Nicklaus.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods!”
Your Humor for Today
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial – strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN’T BE TAUGHT.
Keep those humor submissions coming.
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IGAS 2019 NEWSLETTER #1
IGAS 2019
IGAS 2019 will be May 5-10, 2019. May 5 is a travel day, May 6-8 is the three day IGAS Tournament and May 9 will be Wally’s World Cup. May 10 is a travel day.
Courses have not been determined yet but we are hoping for: IGAS Day 1 – Tobacco Road; IGAS Day 2 – Mid South; IGAS Day 3 – Pinewild (both courses with our shoot out on their par 3 course); and Wally World Cup at Talamore. We will have more details once the courses and prices are finalized.
I’m trying to keep the cost about the same as past years. I’ll forward that as soon as I have it. The deposit will remain the same at $150. If you plan to attend, get it to me as soon as you can. I have paid for 28 reservations.
Deposits to: Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026
IGAS 2018 FALL ROUND-UP:
The IGAS Fall Round Up will be held at Urbana Country Club on Sunday, September 23. We will have a 9:30 shotgun start. Golf, carts, and lunch will be $50 in the proshop. Pay $10 prize fund to John Coffman, Jeff Hoover, Wally Hysell or me.
This course is where Pete Dye get his start and PB Dye added the second 9 holes. Fun course and they always treat us great.
More details about our game, etc as we get closer. If you want to play, let me know asap. Bring a foursome or two if you want, just let me know.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight , I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later , he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A one-foot putt.. Who the f#@& misses a one-foot putt?LITTLE BLUE PILL:
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue “Viagra” pill.
The pharmacist asked, “How many?”
The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, “That’s too small
a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m eighty years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my new golf shoes.”
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!
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IGAS 2019 is set.
We will be returning to Talamore Golf Resort, arriving May 5, golfing May 6-9, returning home May 10. It took a while to get some scheduling issues taken care of but I think we are set for a great trip.
Talamore Villas
5 nights lodging incl. tax at the Talamore Villas (1 Adult per 2 Bedroom Silver Llama). Our Villas at Talamore are fully equipped and include a covered patio, full kitchen, washer/dryer, and with 2 double beds per room, 1 full bath per bedroom, TVs, DVD players, Wifi and a spacious living and dining area. Each two bedroom Villa is professionally designed to accommodate your favorite foursome.
May 5: Travel day. Some will leave early enough to play that day. Either at Talamore or elsewhere.
Monday, May 6: Wednesday, May 8 – IGAS Tournament.
Thursday, May 9: Wally World Cup.
Friday, May 10: Travel Day.Monday, May 6. DeerCroft Golf Club
Golfers: 28
36 holes
Tee time: 8:00; 1:30 replayDeercroft Golf Club is back with a new look, new ownership and a new attitude. The club was acquired in 2011 by Ted Robinson, a long time PGA club professional. He and his crew have worked diligently to bring the course back and make it better than ever. Voted the #1 Friendliest golf staff in the Nation, #13 Best Value in the Nation and ranked #10 best course in North Carolina based on golfer reviews ~ Golf Advisor 2015! Come enjoy 18 championship holes with some of the best bent grass greens in the Sandhills and be prepared to use every club in your bag. Just a short drive south of Pinehurst, the pristine course conditions and top notch customer service makes Deercroft a course that you don’t want to miss!
About 30 minutes from Talamore.Tuesday, May 7. Talamore Golf Course
Golfers: 28
Tee Time: 8:00, 1:30
TALAMORE GOLF CLUB
Golf rounds including shared cart at TALAMORE GOLF CLUB ( Silver Llama)
No ordinary golf course receives the kind of acclaim and international praise that has been given to Talamore’s 18-hole course since it’s opening in 1991. Talamore has been rankedWednesday, May 8. Pinewild Country Club
Golfers: 28
Tee Time: 8:00, 1:30
Golf rounds including shared cart at Pinewild (18 Hole Replay)
The world-class facilities include two championship golf courses, the Magnolia and the Holly, which are both stunning and challenging to golfers of all skill levels. The Magnolia, a “traditional masterpiece”, was designed by Gene Hamm, and has played host to the PGA Tour Qualifying School, the LPGA’s ‘s Pinewild Championship, numerous Carolinas PGA events, as well US Open Qualifying. The Holly, a Gary Player Signature Course, is fast becoming an area favorite, due to its’ panoramic beauty, “risk reward” layout, and some the best greens in the Sandhills. The Holly has played host to many USGA Qualifying events, as well as Carolinas PGA Championships. Whatever your choice of course, you are sure to enjoy the Bermuda grass blanketing the fairways, and velvet bent grass greens.
We will be playing both courses plus our shoot out will be on their par 3 course.Thursday, May 9. Wally World Cup at Mid South golf Club
Golfers: 28
Tee Time: 8:00, 1:30
MID SOUTH CLUB
Golf rounds including shared cart at MID SOUTH CLUB (Prebooked Replay) Replay rate valid on same day as initial booking.
Located just minutes from the historic village of Village of Pinehurst, North Carolina, the Mid South Club is one of the Carolinas’ most attractive private residential golf communities. Five hundred forty five acres of longleaf pine forests, lakes and gently rolling hillsides provide a backdrop for a place of beauty and serenity. The Mid South Club Arnold Palmer signature golf course offers it’s members a challenging yet enjoyable championship layout on which to test their skills. We invite you to explore all that the Mid South Club and the Village of Pinehurst area have to offer.The cost has gone up a little. Total cost is $1,010. $75 prize fund (up $15 from last year to accommodate some different payouts). $935 golf, carts, breakfast at Talamore every day and Pig Pickins Thursday evening (for those that want to partake). We will also have the Cabana Sunday thru Wednesday. Thursday presentations will have to take place at the Pavillion or one of our condos as the Cabana is booked.
I already have several deposits. If you plan to attend, please forward your $150 deposit to me: Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026.
I have booked for 28 so the first 28 to pay will be in.
Some Supplied Humor
PGA RULE CHANGES IN EFFECT 1/1/2019 FOR GOLFERS AGE 68+
Rule 9.k.34(a) – If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.
Rule 1.a.5 – A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B) – A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3(G) – There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) – If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k) – There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.G.15(z) – There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Rule 8.k.9(S) – Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag.
Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.
OLDIES BUT GOODIES
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
(IT HURTS JUST TO READ THIS!!!)
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk, Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”“Not everybody pays.”
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!
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IGAS 2019 – Deposits
We have a great trip lined up, playing 5 courses.
I have booked and paid for 28 participants so if you plan to attend it’s time to send your deposits.
Total cost for the trip is $1,010. Your deposit needed is $150 (you can apply any amount you want towards the total cost).
The first 28 are in. Beyond that we will need foursomes.
Send deposits to me: Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH, 43026.
For more details see the Plans page.
Submitted Humor
THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have a golf ball.’
Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No, thanks.’
Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man- ‘OK, how much?’
Boy- ‘$250’
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – ‘Dark in here.’
Man- ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy- ‘I have sand wedge.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy – ‘$750’
Man – ‘Sold..’
A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy,
‘Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let’s go
outside and have some short game practice.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.
The father says, ‘What?! How much did you sell them for?’
Boy – ‘$1,000.’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is far more than those
two things cost. I’m going to take you to
church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit with me again.
A Golfer’s Love Story
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
Keep those submissions coming!!!
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IGAS 2019 – Is Set! 110 days til we are there!!!
We have a great trip lined up playing 5 courses. We will have 24 participants (I still have 28 paid deposits so I could add one more foursome – but it needs to be a foursome, with paid deposits, to me ASAP). Let me know if you have a foursome. I need to adjust with Talamore.
We are will be offering ‘Play It Forward’. I will need your decision (if applicable) as soon as possible so we can set up the flights and pairings. Remember, Play it forward is offered to age 65 and over, or with a handicap index of 19 or over. See the Plans page to determine the impact Play it Forward would have to you.
IF YOU CHOOSE PLAY IT FORWARD, THAT ADJUSTED HANDICAP WILL BE USED FOR THE WEEK.
FYI – I have added condo assignments to the PLANS page
Total cost for the trip is $1,010. If you made a deposit of $150 your balance is $860. I will need total payment by March 31.
You can send balance payments to me: Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH, 43026. Also, if you have a PayPal account with a bank account associated, you can send money to my PayPal account: igas@columbus.rr.com. You may find this easier.
Submitted Humor
The Phone Call
Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?
Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf –
Who shall I say is calling?"AN OLDIE BUT STILL FUNNY
Fifteen Minutes Late?
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game at Breezy Bend.
One transfers to another city and they’re lost without him. A new woman joins their Club.
When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college golf team.
I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”. She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45. “The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out.She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary
of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies.“I like to switch back and forth.” “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his
willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
HEY!
The officer said, “You’re staggering”
I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself”
We just laughed and laughed….
I NEED BAIL MONEY!!!!!!!
Keep those submissions coming!!!
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ALMOST THERE!!!
A little more than 2 weeks and we will be in Pinehurst! Hopefully everyone has their travel arrangements made and ready to go.
A few comments:
Monday we play Deercroft. I have never played the course. It has been added to the list of possible courses by our trip organizer. I hope it fits our needs. I did drive by the entrance on my way north from Florida. But, the time of day didn’t allow my stopping by to get a look. It is about a 30 minute or so drive from Talamore so plan accordingly.
Our Kentuckians once again will be hosting a steak dinner. This year it will be on Tuesday evening at the Cabana. Cost is $25 and I need to know so Rick knows how many steaks, etc to order. Please let me know as soon as possible if you plan to partake (most everyone does – cause it’s a great meal!).
Please review the check in procedures. If you arrive during hours, go to the Villa Office. If you are after hours a key will be under your door mat.
Some supplied humor:
Not Golf:
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: “Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”
The man calmly looked up at her and said: “No, unfortunately, she just walked in.”
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden … POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, ‘I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life… better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!’
Then POOF!… she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, ‘Fred, where are you?’
Fred yells back ‘I’m over here in the pussy willows.’
Dave shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred!’ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!’MARITAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS…
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight , I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later , he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A one-foot putt.. Who the f#&* misses a one-foot putt?!?!Keep those submissions coming!
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Newsletter 6
A great week! Check out the Hall of Fame, The Results, A new Gallery (that will continue to be updated) and 2020 Plans.
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IGAS 2020 is set. See the Plans page for details. The price is right and I’m sure we will have a great time.
Total cost is $920 for golf, carts, breakfast and prize fund.
Please forward deposits to me as soon as possible.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
GOLF POEM
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back TomorrowGOLFING ST. ANDREWS
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrew’s for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Jack’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrew’s only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
“Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?” I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well, she’s been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’……
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever You Want.”
So— Here I AM!!Naked Man On Golf Course
Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a very private golf club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He’s not my husband either!’
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s not even a member of this club’.
The Luck of the Irish
One day on Hole #13, Murphy, the Irish golfer, finally makes his first hole-in-one.
Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.”
The Irishman replies, “Can ye’ make me pecker a wee bit longer.”
“Done”, says the leprechaun.
By the 14th hole Murphy can tell something is happening
By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.
By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.
By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.
By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.
After completing his round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.
He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.
The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun back
The Irishman takes 2 buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting.
After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.
The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says, “For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye’ one wish.
The Irishman replies, “Can ye’ make me legs a wee bit longer.”
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!!
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IGAS 2020
Hey! Happy Thanksgiving.
Our trip is set and deposits are coming in. If you plan to attend, please forward your deposit to me as soon as possible.
Our trip this year will be a classic. We are going to some courses that we haven’t been to in a while and also still enjoying Talamore and Mid South. See the Plans page for details.
Total cost is $920 and includes lodging, golf, carts, breakfasts and the prize fund. Please forward your deposit to me via Paypal at this email address, or mail the check to my address listed in the email where I sent this link.
Looking forward to seeing you all in Pinehurst.
Some Supplied Humor
New Golf Shoes
Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?
Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, “Nope.”
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat.”
The Honest Golfer
An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
“Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
“Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, “No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
“Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “Yes. “
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
“Is this your woman?” the Lord asked?
“Yes,” cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘No’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘No’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘Yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve. That’s why I said ‘Yes’ to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others
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IGAS 2020
Well, we had a surprise ‘non-attendee’. Due to conflicts, Scott Mallasee will not be able to attend this year. We are currently at 23 paid deposits, etc. So, we need one to fill the 6th foursome or five to fill all 7 reserved foursomes.
The trip will be a good one with a great price. See the Plans page for details. Please beat the bushes to find someone.
I will arrange condos to accomodate.
Let me know asap.
FINAL PAYMENT
I will need your balance due by March 31 or sooner.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Recently enacted rule changes for senior players…(probably just for ‘bored’ members….
Please note the recently enacted rule changes that impact older golfers. Here is a summary:
Rule 9.k.34(a): If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty.. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.
Rule 1.a.5 – A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B) – A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3(G) – There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) – If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k) – There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.G.15(z) – There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Rule 8.k.9(S) – Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.
Golf is…. above all…. a game of integrity.
An oldie but funny – Fifteen Minutes Late?
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game at Breezy Bend. One transfers to another city and they’re lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”. She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45. “The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out.She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?”The lady blushes, and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.” “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his
willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
Keep those submissions coming!!!
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IGAS 2020
We are within 3 months to Pinehurst!! But we still need 1. Hopefully this gets taken care of quickly.
For all ‘new guys’, I need your USGA handicap index or league handicap or estimate. Once I have all handicaps I will publish handicaps on the various courses and differences for regular tees and forward tees.
I also will need final payment by March 15 or before.
Hopefully all our courses will be in great shape. I’m getting excited!!
Also, Mike Moore is working on our Spring Warm-up. It will probably be East or Northeast Columbus Area so our Eastside guys won’t have to drive so far. More info as I get it.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
The Game of Golf – some oldies…
THESE GREENS ARE SO FAST I HAVE TO HOLD MY PUTTER OVER THE BALL AND HIT IT WITH THE SHADOW.
SAM SNEAD
ACTUALLY, THE ONLY TIME I EVER TOOK OUT A 1-IRON WAS TO KILL A TARANTULA. AND I TOOK A 7 TO DO THAT.
JIM MURRAY
THE ONLY SURE RULE IN GOLF IS: HE WHO HAS THE FASTEST CART NEVER HAS TO PLAY THE BAD LIE.
MICKEY MANTLE
SEX AND GOLF ARE THE TWO THINGS YOU CAN ENJOY EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT ‘EM.
KEVIN COSTNER
I DON’T FEAR DEATH, BUT I SURE DON’T LIKE THOSE
3-FOOTERS FOR PAR.CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, IT’S STILL EMBARRASSING
FOR ME TO PLAY ON THE AMERICAN GOLF TOUR LIKE THE TIME I ASKED MY CADDIE FOR A SAND WEDGE ;AND HE CAME BACK TEN MINUTES LATER WITH A HAM ON RYE.CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ
THE BALL RETRIEVER IS NOT LONG ENOUGH TO GET MY PUTTER OUT OF THE TREE.
BRIAN WEIS
SWING HARD IN CASE YOU HIT IT.
DAN MARINOMY FAVORITE SHOTS ARE THE PRACTICE SWING AND THE CONCEDED PUTT. THE REST CAN NEVER BE MASTERED.
LORD ROBERTSON
GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS,
FRESH AIR AND A
BEAUTIFUL PARTNER,
AND YOU CAN KEEP THE
CLUBS AND THE FRESH AIR.JACK BENNY
THERE IS NO SIMILARITY BETWEEN GOLF AND PUTTING; THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT GAMES, ONE PLAYED IN THE AIR AND THE OTHER ON THE GROUND.
BEN HOGANPROFESSIONAL GOLF IS THE ONLY SPORT WHERE, IF YOU WIN 20% OF THE TIME, YOU’RE THE BEST.
JACK NICKLAUSTHE UGLIER A MAN’S LEGS ARE, THE BETTER HE PLAYS GOLF. IT’S ALMOST A LAW.
H. G. WELLSI NEVER PRAY ON A GOLF COURSE. ACTUALLY, THE LORD ANSWERS MY PRAYERS EVERYWHERE EXCEPT ON THE COURSE.
BILLY GRAHAMIF YOU WATCH A GAME, IT’S FUN.
IF YOU PLAY AT IT, IT’S RECREATION.
IF YOU WORK AT IT, IT’S GOLF.
BOB HOPEWHILE PLAYING GOLF TODAY, I HIT TWO GOOD BALLS.
I STEPPED ON A RAKE.
HENNY YOUNGMANIF YOU THINK IT’S HARD TO MEET NEW PEOPLE, TRY PICKING UP THE WRONG GOLF BALL.
JACK LEMMONYOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME. JUST ASK MY EX-WIVES. BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK.
LEE TREVINOI’M NOT SAYING MY GOLF GAME WENT BAD, BUT IF I GREW TOMATOES, THEY’D COME UP SLICED.
LEE TREVINOAND FINALLY, THE TRUEST OBSERVATIONS OF ALL:
I WAS THREE OVER TODAY:
ONE OVER A HOUSE,
ONE OVER A PATIO AND
ONE OVER A SWIMMING POOL.
CHAD BOYDNOT ABOUT GOLF…BUT FUNNY…
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping my cat (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:T There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, she loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
So now you have been warned.WE NEED SOME NEW MATERAL…..
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2020 Newsletter
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2020 Newsletter
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IGAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #7
IGAS 2017
May 7-12, 2017, Pinehurst, NC
See the attached files for all info about the trip. We are getting close. I’m ready!
-See supplied files-
IGAS 2017 Warm-up Round
We are scheduled to play Urbana Country Club on Sunday, April 23 with a 9:30 Shotgun start. Remember, be there by 9:00am.
Some supplied humor…..
BACKSPIN:
“How do you get so much backspin?” the anxious amateur asked the pro.
“Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit your 5 iron?” the pro responded.
“I don’t know… about 130 yards,” the amateur replied.
The pro cocked his head to the side bemused and said, “Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back?”
Golfers Never Lie But Do They Tell The Truth?
One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water. When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy. Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.” And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!
A foursome of guys was waiting at the blue tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the forward tee. When the final lady hits her ball, she duffs it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.” One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!” He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43 …
Keep those submissions coming.
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IGAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #6
IGAS 2017 – Final Payment
(Reminder)
For those that haven’t already paid, I will need your balance due by March 18 as I need to make our final payment to Talamore. If you paid the standard deposit of $150, your balance due is $750. If you aren’t sure what you owe, let me know.
Please get these to me as soon as you can. Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026.
Following is the list of attendees in possible condo assignment order:
Attendees:
#1 Dick Walton Randy Walton Andy Walton Chris Thomas
#2 Wally Hysell John Coffman Jeff Hoover Bob Eyen
#3 Scott Mallasee Mike Moore Ryan Pucket Rob Fichter
#4 Michael Colvin Dave Parish Bob Koenig Brian Kaylor
#5 Mike Motika Scott Roese Nauman Saeed Jerre Creske
#6 Rick Hoffman Matt Hoffman Harold Richardson Mark Stone
#7 Matt Burgoon Ryan Burgoon Van Stewart John Leutz
IGAS SPRING WARM-UP – IS SET!
Our Spring Warm-up is set and is a winner! We are going to Urban Country Club on April 23 with a 9:30 shotgun start. Cost will be $50 which includes golf, cart, range and buffet lunch. As Pete Dye likes to say, Urbana is ‘where it all began’ for him. See the web-site for history and course info. You will pay cash or credit card at the club (Urbana may have an online payment offering, but not at this point.) and then the $10 cash prize fund to Jeff Hoover, Wally Hysell, John Coffman or myself. We have limited spots so you will want to sign up quickly. If you have a foursome, great – just make sure that if you sign up, you will play!
Send me an email with names so I can start with pairings.
I will send info about paying online if they get it set up.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Even the pros have troubles…watch short video!
I feel better already!
Golf on Fridays…
Oldie but worth seeing again. Enjoy….
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?” “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but I play golf on Fridays…”
RETIRED GOLFER’S DILEMMA
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:
North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Keep those submissions coming……
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IGAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #5
WE ARE SET FOR IGAS 2017
We are set for IGAS 2017, our 25th IGAS!!!
I need two things from each participant:
First I need your tee-box selection (regular or forward). Please see the PLANS page for details. I need this by February 28.
Second I need final payment by March 15. If you made a deposit of $150, your balance is $750. Total due is $900 so you can calculate your balance due.
Below is a suggestion for condo assignments. Let me know if you would like to change them. The ONLY way I can add attendees is for a FOURSOME, and, that would have to be done very quickly with full payment.
Attendees:
#1 Dick Walton Randy Walton Andy Walton Chris Thomas
#2 Wally Hysell John Coffman Jeff Hoover Bob Eyen
#3 Michael Colvin Dave Parish Bob Koenig Brian Kaylor
#4 Rick Hoffman Matt Hoffman Harold Richardson Mark Stone
#5 Mike Motika Scott Roese Nauman Saeed Jerre Creske
#6 Ryan Puckett Rob Fichter Mike Moore Scott Mallasee
#7 Matt Burgoon Ryan Burgoon Van Stewart John Leutz
SAVE THE DATE!
IGAS 2017 Warm-up at Urbana Country Club. We will be playing our IGAS 2017 Warm-up at Urbana Country Club on April 23 with a shotgun start at 9:30 and lunch to follow. See the link for information about the club. It has quite a history and worth the drive (about 45 minutes from Broad and High in Columbus). More information will be coming as we get closer.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Conversation…..
This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks seven questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
Some Oldies:
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid!!
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting.” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.” “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, father, how about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
New golf book
A guy has been very busy over the past 2 years putting his thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. He is very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, he is asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here’s the Table of Contents from the new book, “Winning Golf Strategies,” which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I’ve gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
Chapter 2 – How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 – How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 – How to get more distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 – When to give the Ranger the finger.
Chapter 6 – Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.
Chapter 7 – When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 – Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9 – How to urinate behind a 4″ x 4″ post … Undetected.
Chapter 10 – How to rationalize a 6 hour round.
Chapter 11 – How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12 – Why your spouse doesn’t care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 – How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
Chapter 14 – How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.
Chapter 15 – When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16 – God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
Chapter 17 – When to regrip your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 18 – Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19 – Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
Hopefully you will find this book intriguing and purchase a copy.
Personally I like Wally’s book better – Title, Table of Content and Text: “Drink Beer, Don’t Think”!!!!!!! Although Chapter 9 above would help!!
Keep those submissions coming……
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IGAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #4
IGAS 2017 – 25th IGAS
We are set for IGAS 2017. We will be staying at Talamore Golf Resort again and playing four good courses. See the ‘PLANS’ page for details.
Cost has changed since the initial communications. See the ‘PLANS’ page for details (came down $50, from $950 to $900).
We will be offering regular tees or forward tees based on age or handicap. See the ‘PLANS’ page for details. I will need your tee selection by February 28.
Following is a list of those that have signed up and paid their deposit, or more. We still have one opening so if you expected to see a name and don’t, get after them to sign up. If you have someone that would like to attend, have them get their deposit to me asap. See the list:
Dick Walton Wally Hysell
John Coffman Jeff Hoover
Ryan Puckett Rob Fichter
Scott Mallasee Mike Moore
Michael Colvin Dave Parish
Bob Koenig Brian Kaylor
Mike Motika Scott Roese
Rick Hoffman Matt Hoffman
Harold Richardson Mark Stone
Matt Burgoon Ryan Burgoon
Van Stewart John Leutz
Bob Eyen Jerre Creske
Chris Thomas Randy Walton
Nauman Saeed
If you know someone that would like to go, get me their name and deposit – ASAP.. (Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026).
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Ten Best Caddy Responses . .(some old, some new)
Number :10 Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Number : 9 Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Number : 8 Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”
Number : 7 Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”
Number : 6 Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Number : 5 Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
Number : 4 Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.”
Number : 3 Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”
Number : 2 Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago.”
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
Bonus . . . . .. An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . … .
Golfer: “Can you see any obvious problems .. . . …??” Caddy: “There’s a piece of s**t on the end of your club.” Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . . Caddy: “No sir, it’s at the other end”.
American Shatters Guinness World Record For Most Rounds Of Golf Played
October 26, 20164:47 PM ET
Barry Gibbons recently broke the record for most rounds of golf played, walking. He tells us why he decided to break this Guinness record and how it’s affected his health and marriage.
Radio show transcript:
KELLY MCEVERS, HOST:
There are people who love golf, and then there is Barry Gibbons from Austin, Texas.
ROBERT SIEGEL, HOST:
When we caught up with the 57-year-old yesterday, he had just finished his 704th round of golf in 2016. According to Gibbons’ Fitbit, that adds up to…
BARRY GIBBONS: Ten-point-three-million steps, 1.25 million calories and just over 5,200 miles, which is kind of New York to L.A. and back and then some, so that puts it into perspective a little bit.
SIEGEL: Just one question you might be asking – why?
MCEVERS: Gibbons loves golf. He’s been playing since he was seven. But with a demanding job and four kids, he hasn’t been able to play golf much in recent years. So after he retired a couple years ago, he got busy.
GIBBONS: I’ve tried to make up for lost time, I guess, by packing in as much golf as I can, you know, now that I have the opportunity to play as much as I’d like.
MCEVERS: Then there’s the record.
GIBBONS: I’d seen that a gentleman in Dallas, Texas, had set a record for most rounds of golf walked in a year. I kind of said to some people, shoot, I could do that and kind of laughed and said yeah, right.
MCEVERS: So just about every day, he heads to the course and puts in one, two, sometimes three full 18-hole rounds of golf. He’s trying to play as many rounds as he can this year.
SIEGEL: No caddie, no card, and he carries a full set of clubs. He says his bag weighs 30 or 40 pounds. It’s been good for his game. He had a handicap of eight when he started the challenge. At the moment, it’s down to almost one.
MCEVERS: Says he’s gone through 13 pairs of shoes since the start of the year and lost more than 30 pounds, but there have been drawbacks.
GIBBONS: I am punishing my body. I feel the pain in my feet – also, wear and tear on my left elbow and my left shoulder.
MCEVERS: All that said, Barry Gibbons hasn’t stopped yet.
GIBBONS: He’s got his sights on the Guinness World Record for most full rounds golfed – period – with or without a card. That number is 809.
MCEVERS: He’s aiming for 850 rounds so he can hold onto the record for a long time.
GIBBONS: If somebody wants take a shot at breaking my record, I wish him all the luck. But I’m trying to put it so far out there that maybe they won’t try, or maybe they’ll have a really hard time. But, you know, since I’m never doing this again, I’m going to go as far as I can go.
MCEVERS: In the meantime, if you’re looking for Barry Gibbons, check the golf course.
“The Golfer’s Dilemma”
Not sure if you’ve seen this one…click the link.
https://biggeekdad.com/2014/04/golfers-dilemma/
Keep those submissions coming……
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IGAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #3
IGAS 2017 – 25th IGAS Tournament
Yes, this is the 25th anniversary of the IGAS (I’ve Got A Shot) Tournament. We only have a few spots left – so if you want to attend, you need to send me your deposit ASAP. First ones I receive will get the spots.
Following is a list of those signed up. Some have sent normal deposits, some paid in full and some somewhere in between:
John Coffman Michael Colvin Bob Eyen
Rick Hoffman Jeff Hoover Wally Hysell
Bob Koenig John Leutz Mark Stone
Mike Moore Harold Richardson Van Stewart
Dick Walton Dave Parish Mike Motika
Ryan Burgoon Matt Burgoon Matt Hoffman
Ryan Puckett Randy Walton
If you don’t see someone’s name that you think is going, contact them to get their deposit to me. I have reserved and PAID for 28 attendees. If you plan to attend, please get your deposit of $150 to me as soon as possible. (Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026).
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Special Golf Ball
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. “Don’t you have at least one other ball?”, he asked. “Nope, I only need one ball.” “Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one.” “This is a very special golf ball. You can’t lose it, so I don’t need another one.” “What do you mean you can’t lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake? “That’s okay, this special golf ball senses when it’s under water and it puts out a stream of bubbles. I’ll be able to retrieve it. You can’t lose this ball” “Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?” “No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I’ll be able to see it easily. You can’t lose this ball” Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?” “That’s okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I’ll be able to get it back – no problem.” Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?” “I found it.”
DRINKING AND GOLF
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!!!”
The Golfer’s Dilemma
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies
This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren’t done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my f****** pajamas?? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?”
“Because he’s thinking of getting married…”
Keep those submissions coming!
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GAS 2017 May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #2
PLANS ARE FINALIZED – GET YOUR DEPOSITS IN
We are set for IGAS 2017, our 25th IGAS Tournament. We will be returning to the condos at Talamore and playing a good variety of courses (Dormie, Mid South, Seven Lakes and Talamore). We will be offering two tee boxes per course with handicaps calculated by course. More details as we get closer. Deposits remain at $150. See the Plans page for more detailed info. The Plans page will continue to be updated as we gather more information.
IGAS 2016 FALL ROUND-UP RESULTS
We had twenty-four at a beautiful day at Bent Tree. Looks like my son figured out the system!! See below:
SKINS NET SCORE STANDINGS TEAM NET SCORES TOTAL SKINS PAYOUT = 110 NET NET HOLE NAME SCORE AMOUNT NAME SCORE NAME SCORE 1 John Coffman 2 $11.00 Derrek Hull 59 Randy Walton, Jason Hartman, Rodney Bigham, Derrek Hull 132 2 Rodney Bigham 1 $11.00 Scott Roese 63 John Coffman, Mike Moore, Jeff Hoover, Brian Hoover 136 3 no skin 0 $0.00 Mike Moore 64 Dick Walton, Wally Hysell, Chet High, Tom Moloney 138 4 Jerry Parker 1 $11.00 Ryan Burgoon 66 Ryan Burgoon, Matt Burgoon, Jerry Parker, Jerry Osborne 138 5 no skin 0 $0.00 Jerry Parker 66 Scott Roese, Nauman Saeed, Glyn Davis, Mike Motika 143 6 no skin 0 $0.00 Randy Walton 66 Dave Parish, Bob Koenig, Michael Colvin, Van Stewart 149 7 Van Stewart 1 $11.00 Rodney Bigham 66 8 Mike Moore 2 $11.00 Wally Hysell 68 9 no skin 0 $0.00 Chet High 68 10 no skin 0 $0.00 Matt Burgoon 68 11 Derrek Hull 2 $11.00 Jeff Hoover 68 12 Jeff Hoover 2 $11.00 Tom Moloney 70 13 no skin 0 $0.00 Jerry Osborne 70 14 no skin 0 $0.00 Van Stewart 70 15 no skin 0 $0.00 Glyn Davis 70 16 Van Stewart 1 $11.00 John Coffman 70 17 Randy Walton 1 $11.00 Jason Hartman 70 18 Randy Walton 2 $11.00 Mike Motika 71 Dick Walton 72 Brian Hoover 72 Dave Parish 73 Bob Koenig 74 Nauman Saeed 76 Michael Colvin 77 SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR:
Giving Up Sex For Golf
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?” Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?” Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?” “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, & from this day forward you will have no sex life.” “Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”
Note on the frig
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
“IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. GONE TO STAY WITH MY MOTHER.”
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold… What the hell is she talking about?
Worst foursome in golf history
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
Spoken like a true golfer!!
oh, oh, not smart…
Callaway Big Bertha Spot – Hilarious
Great insight into golfer’s minds….
Please keep the humor submissions coming!!!
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IGAS 2017
May 7-12, 2017
NEWSLETTER #1
We are set!
We are set for IGAS 2017. We returning Talamore Resort. I will inform about what buildings and units as we get closer. We also have booked the Cabana again. This worked well as a central gathering place. The Cabana has a kitchenette, gas grills, poker tables, etc.
We are playing Dormie Club, Mid South (hopefully good weather this year), Seven Lakes and Talamore. The IGAS Tournament will be Monday-Wednesday with Wally World Cup on Thursday. See the ‘Plans‘ page for more information and links to the courses.
Cost is up a little, mainly due to course charges (Dormie). $950 get your golf, carts, Pig Pickins on Thursday, Breakfast on Friday and entry to the prize fund.
IGAS FALL ROUND-UP
The IGAS Fall Round-up will be played on September 24 at Bent Tree Golf Club. We will have an 8:00am shotgun start. Cost will be $60 (golf, cart, range balls, 2 beverage tickets and lunch). You must register and pay on-line at Bent Tree Golf Club, their on-line store, See the left side and click Tournaments, then click IGAS. PLEASE REGISTER AND PAY QUICKLY – OUR DEADLINE IS SEPTEMBER 19. Morning of play please pay $10 (prize fund), to John Coffman, Wally Hysell, Jeff Hoover or myself. Please arrive 30 minutes prior to tee off. More info pertaining to games, etc. as we get closer.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Bob brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed listening to the tirade. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fricking mess, and the dishes aren’t done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my damn pajamas?? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?”
To which Bob responds, “Because he’s thinking of getting married…”
Bada Bing, Bada Bang, Bada BOOM!!!
So this is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question. Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you play golf ?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many times a week?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per round?
Man: Usually about $35.00 which includes lunch. (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been playing?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a round costs $35.00 and you have 3 rounds a week which puts your spending each month at about $450.00 . In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t play so much golf, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you play golf?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
!!!!
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING
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IGAS 2018 NEWSLETTER #1
IGAS 2018 will be May 6 through May 11. May 6 and 11 are travel days. May 7-9 will be the IGAS tournament. May 10 will be The Wally World Cup with dinner and presentations to follow.
We will be returning to Talamore and staying in condos along number 9 fairway. These are a little closer to the cabana and clubhouse.
Hopefully we will repeat the steak dinner on Wednesday night.
I’m still working with the organizer as far as courses and final cost. I will try to keep to close to prior years, but I’m also trying for a couple premier courses. Details to follow
Deposit is still $150. I have booked for 28 again so I would suggest getting your deposit to me as soon as possible.
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR – some we may have heard…
In the Locker Room – The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
Old Golfer Speaks:
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours
She seems like a nice person….Avid Golfer
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is…… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon. “Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING….
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IGAS 2018
May 6-11, 2018NEWSLETTER #2
PLANS ARE FINALIZED – GET YOUR DEPOSITS IN
We are set for IGAS 2018. We will be returning to the condos at Talamore and playing a good variety of courses. See the “P)lans” page for details.
We will be offering two tee boxes per course with handicaps calculated by course. More details as we get closer.
Deposits remain at $150.
See the Plans page for more detailed info. The Plans page will continue to be updated as we gather more information.
We had twenty-four at a beautiful day at Urbana Country Club.
See below:
IGAS 2017 FALL ROUND-UP RESULTS
SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
Phone Call:
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.” She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” “Oh, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”
A Game of Integrity:
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was even at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: “Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don’t find it in time, I’ll concede the match.” You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: “I found it!”. The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.
Just asking…
The Dreaded Call:
My boss phoned me yesterday, he said, “Is everything okay at the office?”
I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”
“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.
I said, “Of course, what is it?”
“Speed it up a little, I’m in the foursome behind you.”Keep those submissions coming…..
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IGAS 2018
May 6-11, 2018NEWSLETTER #3
DEPOSITS DUE
I have paid for 28 reservations. The first 28 deposits I receive will get to go. Beyond 28 you will have to have a foursome to sign up.
Check out the PLANS page for details about the trip. More detail will be added as we get closer to the trip.
We will be offering the ‘play it forward’ tee selection again this year. If you choose to play the next set of tees, your handicap will be adjusted accordingly, but it is more fun (ask Wally!!!)
Remember – deposits to me:
Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026.
SOME SUBMITTED HUMOR:
GOLFERS NEVER LIE – BUT DO THEY TELL THE TRUTH….
One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water. When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy. Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.” And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
THE CADDIE SPEAKS
It was back in the 70’s and a soon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta for his first Masters Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.
The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, “Hello Mr. Floyd.”
Floyd said “Hello.” And followed that with, “That’s the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question.”
Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud, “I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole.”
Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, “How’s that?”
The caddy spoke for the first time and said, “That wasn’t your ball.”
A CHILD’S PRAYER….
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy Moly,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson.”
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IGAS 2018
May 6-11, 2018NEWSLETTER #4
DEPOSITS DUE
I have paid for 28 reservations. So far I have 18 paid reservations. We are missing some regulars. If you are going you need to get your deposit to me. If you have buddies that want to go, get them signed up. Beyond 28 you will have to have a foursome to sign up.
Check out the PLANS page for details about the trip. More detail will be added as we get closer to the trip.
We will be offering the ‘play it forward’ tee selection again this year. If you choose to play the next set of tees, your handicap will be adjusted accordingly, but it is more fun (ask Wally!!!)
Remember – deposits to me:
Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard, OH 43026.
SOME SUBMITTED HUMOR:
An Inspirational Story:
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!’
Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’
Then I thought…
‘Hell – I could win this!’
Ever lose a golf ball??? Add this to your bag…..
A land surveyor was tasked with mapping a golf course that was expanding from 9 to 18 holes. He needed a stout machete to clear the thick brush as he went along. Along the way, he came upon a golf club that some irate player must have hurled into the woods in anger.
It was in good condition, so he picked it up and continued on his way.
When he broke out of the brush onto 8th putting green, two golfers stared at him in awe.
After all, he had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind him was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
“Now there,” said one of the golfers, “is a guy who really hates to lose a golf ball!”
A Golfer’s Story:
One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
“Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
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IGAS 2018
May 6-11, 2018NEWSLETTER #5
We are within a few months of warm weather – and then the IGAS 2018 trip. I will be updating the courses with lengths, ratings and slope so you will be able to determine if you want to play from the regular tees or the next set forward. Handicaps are adjusted based on course rating if you play it forward.
I WILL NEED TOTAL PAYMENT FOR THE IGAS 2018 TRIP BY MARCH 16. PLEASE SEND THEM AS YOU CAN.
WE HAVE HAD A LATE CANCELLATION. JAY LARRISON HAS TO HAVE SHOULDER SURGERY AND WILL NOT RECOVER IN TIME FOR THE TRIP SO, WE NEED ONE. PLEASE CHECK WITH YOUR BUDDIES AND SEE IF YOU CAN COME UP WITH A PLAYER. I WILL ARRANGE CONDOS ACCORDINGLY.
Following is a suggested condo assignment list. Let me know if you are okay or would suggest changes:
CONDO 1: Dick Walton, Randy Walton, Andy Walton, Wally Hysell
CONDO 2: Mike Moore, Mike Motika, Scott Roese, Nauman Saeed
CONDO 3: Bob Eyen, Dave Parish, Brain Kaylor, Bob Koenig
CONDO 4: Rick Hoffman, Harold Richardson, Matt Hoffman, tbd
CONDO 5: Matt Burgoon, Ryan Burgoon, Wade Purcell, John Leutz
CONDO 6: Rob Fichter, Ryan Puckett, John Coffman, Jeff Hoover
Please look for an additional player and let me know asap.
IGAS 2018 RULES (format) CHANGE:
After round five the top two players from each Flight will qualify for the playoff round. Should there be a tie after round five then there will be chip-off to determine who moves on to the playoff round. After the playoff round each Flight winner will move to the championship playoff hole. Should there be a tie after the playoff round then there will be a chip-off to determine who moves on to the championship playoff hole. The winner from the championship playoff hole will determine the 2018 IGAS champion. Playoff Round format with 4 flights: Match 1 – Flight 1 & Flight 3 Match 2 – Flight 2 & Flight 4
This change allows for a quicker transition to the shoot-out and for those not in the top two to pair up and have fun for the last round of the IGAS tournament.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
IGAS SPRING WARM UP – Cooks Creek, April 22 with a Shotgun start at 9. We have reservations for 32 but could handle more if we get the sign-ups early. The first 32 will be in for sure. After that, it will be as available. Let me know ASAP if you plan to attend. Details about the game, tees, etc as we get closer.
Some Supplied Humor:
The 18 Most Annoying Golf Partners – (Golf Digest -12/11)
The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys!
1. Unsolicited Swing Advice Guy
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn’t ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further.
Favorite expression: “Wait, try this!”
2. The Human Rain Delay
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.
Favorite expression: “Put me down for a 10.”
3. Cell Phone Guy
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist’s couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-theshoulder wedge shot.
Favorite expression: “You guys hit. I gotta take this.”
4. The Cart Girl Schmoozer
Defining characteristics: Convinced he’s got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.
Favorite expression: “We’ll take four beers and one more smile, darlin’.”
5. The Parking Lot Pro
Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he’s played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.
Favorite expression: “These are the same shoes Tiger wears.”
6. The Air Counter
Defining characteristics: Can’t remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.
Favorite expression: “One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker … “
7. The Frat Boy
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking … until the second hole.
Favorite expression: “A few beers will loosen up that swing!”
8. Cigar Guy
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air — and the ash droppings on his belly.
Favorite expression: “Straight from Havana, baby!”
9. The Sandbagger
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing “much
better” than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot
within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.
Favorite expression: “I guess it’s just one of those days…”
10. Oblivious Guy
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else’s ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.
Favorite expression: “But enough about me. What do YOU think of my
swing?”
11. Ball Retriever Guy
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.
Favorite expression: “Whoa! A ProV1!”
12. The Volcano
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.
Favorite expression: “[Not printable]”
13. Delusional Guy
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he’s convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four.
Favorite expression: “If I really catch it, I can get there.”
14. Mulligan Guy
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.
Favorite expression: “Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another.”
15. The Plumb Bobber
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.
Favorite expression: “Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!”
16. Yardage Book Guy
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.
Favorite expression: “I can’t decide if it’s a hard 7 or a soft 6.”
17. The Cheat
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds — with a clear shot to the green!
Favorite expression: “Better to be lucky than good!”
18. The Overcelebrater
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.
Favorite expression: “Yes SIR!”
The Proper Way To Call Someone A Bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” he first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.” The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
Does a frog count?
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck on their way to the course, and found themselves in heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St . Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks? “Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band.” “It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished.” “Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.” Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks. t. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said, “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. fter three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this? The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
Haven’t we all been here in our own minds?
A keen, instructed, but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week and has particular trouble with the long water hazard on the right side of the 14th hole, losing a ball in it MOST every time he plays that hole. his round he decides that this process is nuts, exensive and decides to use an old ball instead of a new one out of the sleeve. opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he starts his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high, “USE A NEW BALL,” the golf God voice says. Figuring any advice from such a high source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one.He prepares to start his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a golf god voice from the sky, “TAKE A PRACTICE SWING,” the celestial voice advises. he man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing.
Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the Godly voice speaks, but this time there was a tone of defeat in the mighty voice: “USE THE OLD BALL”!
Keep those submissions coming
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IGAS 2018
May 6-11, 2018NEWSLETTER #6
DEPOSITS DUE
We are set for IGAS 2018. Reminder: I will need your final payment by March 16. If you paid the normal deposit of $150, your balance is $710. Total due per player is $860 so you can determine your balance.
We had another cancellation. Harold Richardson, our only 3-peat champion will not be able to attend this year. Rick Hoffman was able to find two guys that wanted to attend. So, we will have our normal full condo of Kentuckians!
Please welcome Bill Stone and Glenn Nantz to our group!
With this our suggested condo assignments are:
Play It Forward
We will again be offering a ‘play it forward’ option. If you are 65 or over, or have a handicap index of 19 or greater you can select to ‘play it forward’ – from the next set of tees forward.
You need to select the tee boxes you wish to play and let me know via email – one way or the other. NOTE: IF YOU SELECT TO PLAY IT FORWARD, THAT SELECTION IS FOR THE TRIP – NOT JUST ONE ROUND.
Check out the play it forward information on the PLANS page of the website. It shows how your handicap will be impacted on each course. You can then visit each course website and check out the scorecard to determine if you feel the handicap change is worth it.
Please let me know by March 7 concerning your tee preference.
IGAS Spring Warm Up
IGAS Spring Warm Up will be at Cooks Creek Golf Club on Sunday, April 22 with a 9:30am shotgun start (please arrive by 9:00AM). Cost will be $45 for golf and lunch plus $10 for the prize fund.
See the document attached to this email for more details.
Some Supplied Humor
The Gospal according to St Titleist
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe an 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye
14.. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon –
19.. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury
Finally:
25. The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.
Haven’t we all been here in our own minds?
A keen, instructed, but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week and has particular trouble with the long water hazard on the right side of the 14th hole, losing a ball in it MOST every time he plays that hole.
This round he decides that this process is nuts, expensive and decides to use an old ball instead of a new one out of the sleeve.
He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it.
Just as he starts his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high, “USE A NEW BALL,” the golf God voice says.
Figuring any advice from such a high source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one.
He prepares to start his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a golf god voice from the sky, “TAKE A PRACTICE SWING,” the celestial voice advises.
The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing.
Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the Godly voice speaks, but this time there was a tone of defeat in the mighty voice: “USE THE OLD BALL”!
Worst foursome in golf history
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTONWHY, YOU ASK?
{You’re going to love this!}1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LASTKeep Those Submissions Coming…
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IGAS 2018
May 7-10, 2018
Pinehurst, NC
Newsletter #7
Final Information
We are set! Please see the attached documents for pairings and other information about the trip. Hopefully everyone has determined their transportation to/from Pinehurst.
IGAS Warm-up at Cooks Creek
Don’t forget to sign up for the warm-up round at Cooks Creek Golf Club on Sunday, April 22 with a 9:30 shotgun start. I still have some openings so let me know if you plan to play. Bring some buddies that normally don’t attend the trip.
Some Supplied Humor
Subject: Reality
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at “Hooter’s” to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them “The one who knows how to fix elevators. I’m old, tired, and pee a lot.”
Subject: FW: FORE!
A golfer hit a wicked slice off of the tee that went into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.
When the golfer got to his ball, he was greeted by his unintended near-victim, who angrily told him of the near miss.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to yell ‘fore,’” the slicer said.
“That’s weird,” the other golfer replied. “You had plenty of time to yell “shit”.
A pocket full of golf balls.
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a striking woman. The woman glanced at the man, and then looked away with a puzzled frown. Curious, she stole another look at his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he explained, “It’s golf balls.”
She continued to look at him for some time, thinking about what he had said. Not containing her curiosity any longer, she blurted out, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
KEEP THOSE SUBMISSIONS COMING!!!
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IGAS 2018
MAY 7-10, 2018
NEWSLETTER 8
Two weeks from today we will be playing Day 2 of the IGAS tournament. This past Sunday we had a great WARM UP at Cooks Creek Golf Club. The course was a little rough in areas but a great layout. Following are the results:
SKINS TEAM NET SCORES TOTAL SKINS PAYOUT 80 NET HOLE NAME SCORE AMOUNT NAME SCORE 1 no skin 0 $0.00 Mike Moore 134 2 no skin 0 $0.00 Chris Thomas 137 3 no skin 0 $0.00 Randy Ramsey 138 4 no skin 0 $0.00 Ryan Puckett 142 5 no skin 0 $0.00 Dave Parish 143 6 Andy Walton 1 $20.00 Ryan Burgoon 144 7 no skin 0 $0.00 Michael Colvin 147 8 Scott Mallasee 1 $20.00 Mike Motika 147 9 no skin 0 $0.00 Wally Hysell 147 10 no skin 0 $0.00 Dick Walton 153 11 no skin 0 $0.00 12 no skin 0 $0.00 13 no skin 0 $0.00 14 Michael Colvin 2 $20.00 15 no skin 0 $0.00 16 no skin 0 $0.00 17 no skin 0 $0.00 18 Dan Caldwell 2 $20.00 NET SCORE STANDINGS NET NET NET NAME SCORE NAME SCORE NAME SCORE Mike Moore 63 Dick Walton 69 Mike Montella 72 Marty Stroemer 64 Mike Cornett 69 Scott Melaragno 72 Scott Mallasee 64 Nauman Saeed 69 Tim Jameson 72 Jim Blankenship 65 Jeff Hoover 69 Mike Wyss 73 Rick Ramsey 65 Ryan Puckett 69 Rob Fichter 73 JD Archer 65 Dave Parish 69 Dan Caldwell 74 Bob Koenig 66 Michael Colvin 70 Mike Frabott 74 Glyn Davis 66 Jay Chakravarthy 70 Lind Pratt 74 Ryan Burgoon 66 Jerry Osborne 70 Wade Purcell 75 Randy Ramsey 67 Paul Rupp 70 Marty Dixon 76 Branden Pavol 67 Wally Hysell 71 Ryan Koenig 79 Dick Pauley 68 Matt Burgoon 71 Mike Motika 80 Chris Thomas 68 Corey Skinner 71 Andy Walton 82 Jacob Bridges 68 SOME SUPPLIED HUMOR
New
Golf ShoesBert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like
Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought
them.He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.
Walking proudly into the house, he
sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything
different about me?Margaret at age 83 looked him over and
replied, “Nope.Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed
off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked except for the new golf shoes.Again he asked Margaret, a little louder
this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”Margaret looked up and said in her best
deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it
was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again
tomorrow.Furious,
Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET“Nope.
Not a clue”, she replied.“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING
AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!Without missing a beat old Margaret
replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat. -
IGAS 2018
MAY 7-10, 2018
NEWSLETTER 9
IGAS 2018 is in the books and 2019 is being planned. Add May 5-10, 2019 to your calendars to begin planning for IGAS 2019. See the Plans page on the site for info. Courses, costs, etc. will be added as info is received. Deposits for 2019 will remain the same and can be sent to me at: Dick Walton, 3249 Scioto Run Blvd, Hilliard OH 43026
IGAS Individual Scores
I will be sending out each players individual scores so you will have for posting, etc. I should have these out within the next few days.
Also, all results will be added to the website.
IGAS Fall Round-up
The IGAS Fall Round-up is scheduled for Sunday, September 23 at Urbana Country Club. More info will be sent as we get closer. I am starting add people to the list of participants. If you plan to play, please let me know.
Some Supplied Humor:
Disturbingly Accurate Golfisms – Part One
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.
Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.
It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked
in, your head will come up.Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
Any change works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.
Never teach your wife to golf.
Never play your son for money.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
